For what you did to me,
and what I'll do to you,
you get, what everyone else gets,
you get a lifetime

Let's go!

Do you remember that day when we met
you told me this gets harder
well it did
been holding on forever,
promise me that when I'm gone you'll kill my enemies,
the damage you've inflicted temporary wounds
I'm coming back from the dead and I'll take you home with me
I'm taking back the life you stole

We never got that far,
this helps me to think all through the night
bright lights that, won't kill me now, or tell me how
just you and I, your starless eyes remain.

Hip Hip Hooray for me, you talk to me, but would you kill me in my sleep
lay still like the dead
from the razor to the rosary
we could lose ourselves
and paint these walls in pitchfork red

I will avenge my ghost with every breath I take
I'm coming back from the dead and I'll take you home with me
I'm taking back the life you stole

This hole that you put me in
wasn't deep enough
and I'm climbing out right now
you're running out of places to hide from me
when you go
just know that I will remember you
if living was the hardest part
we'll then one day be together
and in the end we'll fall apart
just like the leaves change in colors
and then I will be with you
I will be there one last time now

when you go
just know that I will remember you

I lost my fear of falling
I will be with you
I will be with you

very bz nowadaes.. exams are ard de corner.. not much tyme to update... so.... read de lyrics & understand de hidden meaning behind it okays.. =)

i'm so glad for chanos chanos to oways & consistently be dere for me.. like ma inner voice but she's not inside me lar..hehe.. exams make me tink uber slowly.. de irony of it.. haha..

tat dae, i went to de prison.. & suddenly i wished tat i was in dere.. ahacks.. they're all like living their life in dere...!! i swear..!! it's now very different frm dose daes... now, they are even allowed to walk ard de prison & like juz have fun talking to other inmates.. ahacks.. it's like prison break!! wahahaha!! they have board games, yard work, their own attachment work... & they have no stress!! food, shelter & frens are all provided.. but obviously it's all de same scenery everidae lar... but then... imagine! no stress!! & everything's provided...

i wanna go to jail!!! anione wanna join me..? please........

haha.. i tink de studying is making me go crazie.. & fucking stress lar...

i confide in ma mummy tat i wanna go jail & she juz looked at me as if i grew one more head... haha.. no lar.. actually she juz sae i was crazie & obviously she can't be bothered wif me.. typical of her...

life's very boring nowadaes... issam closed his shop todae.. was supposed to go out wif him but i got to study! dammit!! fucking idiotic... hahaha...but can c lar tat he's enjoying himself now cos apparently he never call me de whole dae.. haiz.. sad...

well.. gtg & sleep soon... damn tiring.. physically, mentally & emotionally exhausted... lalala...

am happie for sumone... hopefully karma start playing it's role soon... wahahahah!

hate me~

i have repeatedly told maself tat i'm never gonna let him disturb ma life.. i have repeatedly psycho-ed maself tat i can do tis by maself.. i have repeatedly told maself never to cry over anything related to him.. & i have repeatedly told maself to believe in maself..

but i failed again..

it's not tat i have a sudden outburst of ever-lasting lurve for him.. oh no.. don worie.. i'm way over tat.. i'm moving on.. yes i am.. i wanna confidently announced tat i've moved on but i guess i can only proudly sae tat i'm in de process of moving on.. but i'm happie for tat... i really am.. cos finally..

it's come to de point tat i no longer care wat he do in his life.. nor do i bother wif who he have in his life..neither do i have de urge to msg nor be in contact wif him.. & i certainly have no more feelins for him.. nil.. non @ all... sum may not believe tis.. in fact when i felt tis kinda peaceful thingy in me tat i no longer have de frequent need to tink abt him, i noe i have reach tat point of moving on... but y i sae tat i'm in de process of moving on instead of tat i've oreadi moved on is bcos of one thing...

he haunts me..

yup.. he fucking haunts me.. not physically but mentally.. i am now fighting against a nagging voice at de back of ma mind.. & i didn't noe it was dere till todae.. i honestly thot i was okays cos i saw tat i was doing great.. skool was great.. frens were awesome.. family was terrific.. ma life was finally back on track.. but then.. todae changed how i look at things.. how i look at ma past.. & how it actually seep into ma life now..

i was indirectly wif him for four years.. de frigging long period of tyme wasted didn't affect me so much till todae.. four freaking years we went out.. had toks.. msges.. we were practically together everidae.. & i can sae tat we knew each other pretty well.. he knew ma bad points & good points & vice versa..he knew sum of ma darkest secrets.. & he knew when i would blow up & when he can please me.. he knew wat i like & wat i don't.. he knew when to listen & when to talk.. but worse of all, he knew ma strengths & ma weaknesses..

& wif tat knowlegde, he indirectly manipulated me..

he made me into sumone i'm not.. he made me into sumone who i hate.. he made me weak.. & he made me lose control over maself..

for four fucking years he did all tis w/o me realising it...

i wanna sae tat i hate him but i don't cos i can't b bothered abt him.. i don even wanna waste ma energy hating him.. cos he's not worth it.. & like i sae i no longer care abt anything related to him.. de problem now lies wif me..& it's hard to swallow tat fact alone..i tried to talk abt de change i felt but i put it aside every single tyme cos i wasn't sure.. till todae..

in tat four years, he changed ma mindset... he MADE me believe tat i cannot be independant.. he MADE me feel unworthy of maself.. he MADE me lose trust in others.. he MADE me tink tat i cannot survive alone.. he MADE me into a needy person.. he MADE me unstable.. & worse of all, he MADE me into sumone who i don't even recognize...

wat made me sae all tis..? cos i realised tat i can sae to everione in de whole entire universe tat i've moved on but i noe deep in ma heart tat as long as he still rule me sumhow, then i'm still stuck in tat phase..& he's still ruling me in ma mind... i noe tis cos i juz can't seem to move on to another guy... 

it's not tat ma mind is still wif him or tat i'm tinking abt him... it' not tat... i have absolute no feelins for him.. & i noe tis bcos i'm attracted to other ppl...other ppl who don noe ma past... other ppl who i wanna get to noe better but no confidence of doin so.. other ppl who i juz am paranoid abt their every little action.. other ppl who i xpect perfection.. & all tis other ppl who wanna get to noe me but i'm denying them of a chance...

i hate tis.. i was never one who judge a person cos i noe tat every single one is different... laz tyme, i don xpect anything frm ppl but juz sincerity... & now... i don even trust tat they're sincere... how fucking sad is tat...?! i question their every move & it made me into sumone who can't tink properly.. in fact i planned wat i shld sae & how i shld act.. tat was never me.. ma frens saw me like how i was laz tyme.. but tat was b4 he came & practically destroyed ma life & ma confidence... i have no more confidence to be maself cos i feel tat i'm not worthy to b wif de other ppl who i wanna b wif..& it's really hurting me inside.. i keep tinking tat they will all be another yusof... de worst part is tat i only realised tis now.. 

i looked back on ma past.. & i realised tat i've pushed away so many ppl bcos of wat i tink...& how i act... ma comfort & safe zone was wif him.. cos i felt like i could only trust, depend & lean on him.. but i was so wrong...

i don want him animore...

i don need him animore...

i juz want ma old me back.. i need ma old me back...

let the good tymes roll~

very sleepy... YAWNS!!!

been sleepy like 5am in de morning.. & only waking up ard 11am.. tats like.. wat..? 6 hrs of sleep..? haiz... i want ma normal sleep timing back.. don noe wats wrong w ma brain nowadaes.. okays.. actually i noe lar.. cos i've been engrossed in de books tat i borrowed frm de library 3 daes ago.. 4 books in 3 daes..! ahacks.. i muz be frigging mad..!

well, life's been pwetty boring tis few daes.. but i kinda like it tis way.. no more sidetracking... no more tinking of unwanted stuffs.. no more of tis.. no more of tat.. juz me against de world!! ahacks..

i realised tat as ppl gets older (okays lar so i was actually refering to maself),  friends tend to become more of acquaintances.. ya.. dere's frenster & ma space & wat-have-you.. they're supposed TO bring your supposedly-close frens closer to you rite..? but for ma case, it's kinda opposite.. i mean, i do get to noe wats happening in their life & if they're still single or oreadi married wif 3 kids.. but tats de bluidy problem rite..? cos since i oreadi noe about all tis, i tend to be.. erm..lazie to get in touch w them.. kinda take it for granted you noe.. & for all i noe, the next tyme i met them, they'll oreadi have 5 grandchildrens,3 cats & 4 turtles.. ya.. i should have de initiative to contact them since i was like browsing their profile.. but sumtymes, you kinda have de urge to do so.. but in de end you saw sum cute guy in your friend's profile & your attention was averted.. not tat it oways happens to me lar.. tats juz a scenario.. teeheehee...

but honestly, when i see ma friends all happie & contented wif their life, i tend to juz like smile to maself in front of de comp & juz move on stalking browsing other ppl...not tat i don wanna leave a msg or contact them.. but at de back of ma mind, i'll be wondering if i'll bother them.. juz ma mind doing de tinking lar.. so ya...

so... i'm a teeny weeny bit happie now.. no lar.. actually i'm absolutely happie w maself now.. *beams*... i spend more tyme at home wich means i'm talking more wif ma mummy.. wich oso means tat we're trying to understand each other better again.. i lurve her..!! & i'm spending more tyme wif maself.. like i'll juz sit dwn for like hours & watch t.v or read books & yet at de same tyme i feel damn contented wif maself.. no worries!!

exams are cuming!! ahacks... damn sian lor.. but wat to do.. i shall do ma very bez cos dere's only one more month away from ma diploma thingy! so i shall juz live dae by dae & get tat diploma & juz move on wif straightening out ma life..ahacks..

& i saw a cute guy juz now.. in a damn uniform..!! red alert!! cute guy in a uniform!!! wahahaha.. i shy.. ahacks.. but i swear he's damn cute.. i can like feel ma body tingling now.. wahahaha! damn retarted lor... hopefully sumthing good will come out of it.. =)

what goes around, comes around...lalalalala~ *evil laugh*

finally~

No one wanted to believe it more then me
I thought you were so true
I ain't coming back,you'll see
You did me wrong
and I won't be your fool
Tired of always losing sleep
wondering where you were last night
but baby, it aint no mystery,I'm giving you up
I dont need this in my life

This time I'm gonna get back on my feet
Put my life together,cos thats what i need (thats what I need)
its too late to ease the pain
No its much to late to try
Don't want,dont need this in my life

It's a little too late,you've been telling lies,come back around to apologize
It's a little too late,It's a little too late
It's a little too soon for a brand new start,time can only heal this broken heart
Baby,your a little too late

i thot de lyrics of tis song was good... & it is!!! it suits me fine..=) =) =)

aniwaes, went out wif ma darls ystdae..!! hehe.. darls abis.. padahal padahal...ahacks.. well, met up wif ma dearest issam, saiful & sulaiman!! de dum dum club!! ahacks.. it's been sooOOOoo long since i went out wif all three of them at de same tyme... so i was pwetty excited abt meeting them tat i kept calling saiful to wake him up.. & i was glad tat man took leave on a public holidae!! ahacks...

met up wif man at outram & proceed to VIVO... then waited for de other two bozos to reach... we were freaking hungry tat de first place we wanted to go was long john!! but then we decided to book tickets for our movies first... but damn! dere were so many homosapiens at de cinema & all de movies were full...!! sooOOOoo.... we went in search of our food again... but to no avail.. cos all de restaurants were packed!! even secret recipe!!

by then all four of us were damn grumpy... in de end we decided to go harbourfront centre to eat at breeks... & we got lost goin dere.. ahacks...! courtesy of me..! i went down to de wrong escalator.. & they did not wanna go up again cos they didn't wanna look like lost kids so went round & round de carpark..ahacks.. alas, we did find breeks.. ate dere & went back to VIVO to shop ard...

however, it was kinda boring dere so we decided to proceed to town.. of all places... ahacks.. went to far east & bought more stuffs... well.. issam & saiful bought more stuffs lar.. i'm bloodie broke & man oreadi bought wat he wanted... it was still kinda early when we finished shopping so we end up watching a movie.. finally! hahaha... dere were soOOoo many movies but we did not noe wat to watch.. after much deliberation we agreed on night pat museum.. ahacks...

we still got tyme to kill so we went around lido to find more stuffs to buy... & then i had to buy sum gerls stuffs due to ma lil red fren.. luckily issam was uber understanding & gave me sum money to buy it.. it was quite comical actually.. cos i was de only gerl & i was accompanied by 3 grown-up guys... & we were all crowded at de sanitary aisle...ahacks.. & de moz funniest part was tat i was trying to visualize de pack in man's small bag cos i did not wanna carry it ard.. so un-glamourous sia..hahaha... & issam & man were giving me tons of suggestions.. & man kept asking me to juz buy de pantyliners... wich will not make any diff lar if ma lil red fren were to cum... issam on de other hand, kept asking me to buy de ones wif wings...! hahaha.. damn jokers...!

well... we expected de movie to kinda sucks cos of wat man's fren told him.. but it was hilariously funnie!!!! it's a muz watch!!!!!! so freaking funnie i nearly wet ma pants.. ahacks... we were still laughing after we left de theater..ahacks.... after tat, man went home & me,issam & saiful went to our bus stop.. but while waiting for de xpress bus, another cool-looking bus came & it was FOC... it actually looked like a bar & has musiq in it.. loud musiq!! all three of us were deciding to board de bus & i was uber glad tat we did took de bus... so happening!!! ahacks.. took tons of pics & wished tat man was wif us... =)=)

went home & was given a surprise by issam & saiful cos they bought me a necklace.. kinda cool-looking wich i chose maself in a way.. =) cos they gave sum story tat i actually fell for.. but in de end it was for me..hahaha.. don noe where i can find nice ppl like them.. de whole dae they paid for ma everything...! i tink i spend more than 50 bucks!!! ahacks...i so lurve them...!!!

& i'm really glad i met sumone like issam.. he's really a gem... & one in a million...! he paid for ma dnd & everytyme we go out, he'll oways pay for everything... i'm like so in debt to him..haiz...

well, tml i have a chalet to go to.. @ sentosa.. kinda laziee to go.. ahacks.. juz hope it won't rain... hahah.. but miz ma poly mates so i guess i'll go!! gonna overnite dere for one nite only... hehehe.... can't wait....!

& de moz amazing thing abt yesterdae was tat i did not mention yusof's name at all.. not once...! cos laz tyme, when all 3 of us went out or juz like me & anione of them, it's like a ritual to talk abt him... but now de curse have been broken!!!ahacks.. & i did not even have de urge to talk abt him... i didn't realise it till tis morning..ahacks..!!!! i'm so elated!!!!hahaha...

i was so thankful to God...

finally....

i've moved on.

random thots~

I only wanted what was best for you
I only wanted to be there
with the love you need
I was the one who always loved you true

so why do you have to lie
why did I have to cry
why did u say those things
if you did not mean anything

Why did you have to go and
turn my world so cold
And take away that heaven
that I use to hold

You didn't have to hurt me
you didn't have to make me cry
you didn't have to break my
heart in a thousand pieces

Why I was the one who always
stood by you
I was the one who always
gave so unselfishly

There was not one thing that I would not do
how can you be so cruel
How could I be a fool
How could you take my trust and turn that trust right into dust

How could you say you cared
Then leave me standing there
so cold and all alone
You know its just not fair

Why did you treat me so bad
when i gave you all I had in my heart
oh why did you take my love
and throw my love away

I gave my world
I gave my soul
I gave you everything
you didn't have to hurt me

You didn't have to hurt me
you didn't have to make me cry
you didn't have to break my
heart in a thousand pieces

after i read de lyrics above, i was kinda disgusted by de lyrics.. ahacks.. it's so soppy & dreadful..! tat kinda lyrics used to b sumthin tat i TOTALLY understood.. but not now.. not animore.. to me now, it's disgusting & extremely suffocating.. hahaha..i guessed i'm a grown-up now.. ahacks... it applied to me laz tyme but not now.. i'm in a totally diff league.. ahacks.. as if...

aniwaes, i've been goin to de toilet like every 20 minutes or so.. been having diarhoea since like 3pm juz now.. was planning on going out wif ms ryza todae but damn sick & laziee to get maself dressed up.. in addition to tat, i'm kinda cent-less... so no point going out.. & ma mummy kept asking me to help her in de kitchen seeing tat hari raya haji is like tml..ahacks.. but todae is ma extremely laziee dae.. i was like slacking de whole dae in front of ma comp..

so... acompanied issam to de doc yesterdae in de wee morn.. approximately 1.30am.. i really pity tat poor soul.. ahacks.. he was sooOOo bothered by his problem tat he was practically whining on de phone.. so me being nice as usual, got dressed & went to bdok wif him.. but de so-called 24hours clinic was closed so we proceeded back to de clinic near ma house... & damn! de consultation fees was 60 buckeroos for midnite patients.. like... damn! ahacks.. acompanied him in de consultation room & was surprised to c a very young doctor... & when i sae young, i really meant young!

in de end, issam was refered to a hosp & have to wait for an appointment.. so off we went to buy sum brunch & sat under ma void deck doing nothing as usual...i really enjoy his company lots2... =)

basically, i was juz reading thru sum online stories & i was wondering if fairy tale-kinda-lurve- stories do exist..? i guessed i'm a bit weird but since young i really longed for a fairy tale ending when it cums to ma love life... but i guess it juz do not apply in real life rite..? i don noe... kinda disappointed in a way...but wth.! ahacks..

& y muz ppl bcum dependant on others? i oways believe in being independant.. but as years goes by, i became too dependant on others esp ma frens.. so y was it tat when in de start i was actually independant & then when i met sum ppl along de way, i became dependant on them..? weird rite..? it's like i need help to get past thru ma problems.. but in actual fact, i noe tat i can overcum it.... is tis seen as a weakness..? am i weak..?

aniwaes... y muz ppl fall in lurve..? i juz don get it... in de end one or both of them will juz end up getting hurt.. so y do they actually risk getting themselves hurt?

so yup.. random thots on a random dae

Now I'm mending myself of the pain....